Why I Can’t Smirk

A smirk is a smile born of the knowledge that you just got away with something. I don’t smirk — ever.

To understand this you must first understand my upbringing. People say that Jews are the greatest at endowing guilt upon their offspring, this may not be totally accurate.

I was born and raised as a Catholic. My experience has convinced me that a Jewish mother is an amateur at imparting guilt upon their offspring when compared with Catholic mothers.

It is because of this constant injection of guilt in my upbringing that I am incapable of the smirk. It’s not that I am any more ethical or noble than others when it comes to taking advantage of opportunities, it’s just that after doing so my guilt in doing so inhibits me from taking pleasure and producing the smirk.

Instead I torture myself about my ethical transgression and worry about how I have hurt the other party.

This is probably why I am a terrible poker player. However a smirker is probably just as bad at poker as I am.